Coffee Thoughts

Hello again ,

I hope that you are well & having a good week .

I am just sat having a cup of coffee at work before I start , just listening to some music whilst I wait . As I being me have rocked up major early with two hours or so to spare .

I am just typing my thoughts away like usual . It is so nice to be back I have to admit , I have really missed my writing to you  . It has always been a part of me however , sometimes I just get into a bad part of mental health and forever that this is my let out & a part of me I can never just shrug off . 

Even if my writing just helps one person or a few I am very happy .

I think mental health isn’t a spoken up / “ speak up ” , kind of topic . Which I think is a totally misunderstood topic .

I think it should be spoken of even if it is a shared experience or just a shimmer of light on the topic .

Good days are great aren’t they ? - Kind of feeling like nothing can damage your day - sunshine all day kind of vibes . Until the darkness catches up with you and then all you seem to see and feel is the darkness as such . 

It is like you are screaming and no one can hear .

You are just looking around with the pain in your eyes from your head , people look in your eyes sometimes and they can’t see it & that is the worst . It is like you  just want someone to turn around to you and say “ I know you are smiling , laughing and perhaps socialising , but I see you . Yes actually see you , I see your pain , I see your hurt , did you want to talk …? ” - That is all you want to hear sometimes but sometimes very rarely you will hear such a thing spoken to you . What is more damaging inside is those days , or nights that you don’t hear it and you just are screaming for someone to say a exactly that , I have just mentioned .

Just remember , although the worlds of “ excuse me , can I chat with you about something that is on my mind ” , or “ Excuse me , have you got a few minutes ” etc or just waiting for someone to notice that you are withdrawn from the world and it’s hustle and bustle of day to day life .

Just know there are people who care & that will take the time to do all of the above , just need to find the inner strength to ask & reach out sometimes & that is blinking hard at times I know .

I still struggle day to day , I am the type of person to smile , laugh and act “ normal ” , & there are days that I just wait for those days when someone takes the time to ask any of the above and reassure me that they are there .

I am a quite confident person most of the time but in those bad mental health days I literally scream 😱 in my head waiting for someone to notice as my voice of thoughts just can’t open my mouth and ask for help - it is like a blockage inside my brain 🧠 .

Just know you aren’t alone & I am hear if you need to chat .

There is many things I think that suffer silently in my head - it is like I am drowning and can’t keep my head above the water at times so if you are ever feeling down , just know I can relate .

There is light at the end of the tunnel . I promise you , just take each day as it comes and never give up . 

I believe in you .

Mind Set

Hello !!

How are you ?

What have you been up too ?

How are you feeling , really deep down inside … What are your silent thoughts 💭 ? 

I am not here to say everything is okay , everything is fine & do not worry yourself about those horrid thoughts you have about yourself etc .

I am definitely not here to say that , so if you think I am here to say everything is “ hunky dory ” & I don’t have any down days well you are wrong …

I am here to speak a little about those inner thoughts 💭 , get you to question perhaps why you are feeling a certain way about something .

Believe me I am writing / speaking here from day to day inner battles with myself as well & hopefully with any luck 🍀 , shed a little light upon your dark days , & let you know that there is no way that I will let you suffer your dark days alone .

I am so sorry I have been a absent for way too long !!

I have been struggling myself over the last year with certain things and the “ darkness “ within those dark days isn’t always nice , is it ?

You get yourself into a habit of this is how I feel and this is now officially my life sort of head space . Believe me , if is so hard at times & luckily well for now I have had some better days these last few weeks however , there are those days that I just think to myself “ why ? ” , “ what’s the point in …. ” etc , etc & that feeling off just full everlasting darkness clouds up everything and everywhere seems dull .

Inside my brain and perhaps yours … if you can relate … ? Feels like an ever lasting , repeating day - best way of putting it in a day of pure darkness ( bad headspace ) , is this way …

I want you to imagine a beautiful beach , with tropical 🌴 palm trees , almost white sand , clear waters , the sound of the ocean 🌊 waves crashing down & people laughing , splashing in the water etc …. ( I will wait a few seconds …. )

Are you picturing it ? , I can definitely … so peaceful isn’t it ? 

Now all of a sudden when you are walking along that lovely beach , waves crashing , people having a lovely time around you , there is this massive loud on going sound that just crashes 💥 louder than the waves hitting the shore , louder than the slight breeze , rustling the palm trees & it is almost deafening you can’t even hear the laughter of the people or any of it anymore . Other than this loud , high pitched or / low pitched bang - ( muffling sound ) that just overcomes your whole being … well that is the sound of your what if’s , your why’s , your I can’t do this anymore’s , your I am alone’s , I am not enough’s etc etc there is a personal long list I could go on …

Relating to any of the ones I have mentioned ??

I would just like to remind you that you are amazing 🤩 !!

You are loved 🥰 !!

You are worthy !!

You are strong !!

You got this !! Even on days it feels like everything is upside down and / or twisted etc .

When your head gets that all muffled sound and you tune yourself out from the world 🌎 , I know it is extremely hard but I want you to know that yes , right now or today or this week is a rough or maybe the roughest time of your life right now …

However , I promise you it will get better , there are better days ahead , there are those good days , try and remind yourself when that muffled deafening sound creeps in again you tell that sound that it can stay temporarily but it has to go again because it is not going to mess with you - “ I am strong  ” , “ I am fearless ” , “ I am independent ” , “ I am loved ” … etc etc I could literally quote a load more that I have personally said to myself may a time whilst in this haze as such .

If anyone feels like any of these etc just know I am here is you want to chat . 

Please remember your 👑’s my beauty’s , please adjust your crown every am & pm thank you daily .

Take care of yourself please .